friday/saturday

i was sitting at my apartment with my roommate krsiten and besties jonathan and noelle.
we wanted to hang out but be low key.
we decided it would be fun to play kings cup!
our friends joosung, clayton and josh came over too.
i decided to invite peter.  he had been dissing me all week.
i felt like.
but i did it anyway. very impulsively.
he was down.
hed never played before.

it was fun.
we chanted "weiners!" "pretty moms/big shlongs" and other inappropriate things.
we danced to nostalgic 90s songs.
we dog piled in my room.
everyone left except peter and i.
i sat up off the ground.
i gave him the eyes.
and he went in for it.
and i liked it.
fun and exciting.
not sloppy at all.
very intentional.

and he left.
and he txtd me.
and i knew he was happy.

he came by the next morning to say hi as i was moving out of my apartment.
i was makeupless and hag. my imperfections openly sprawled across my face.
and i didnt care or look down or try to hide.
and he txted me.

i saw him at a party but i wasnt in the best mood.
i saw him at the next party, and i was in a better mood.

and brittan drunkly told him to dance with me. and he told her he is into me.
and we danced.

we drove home. 7 of us in a 5 person car.
and he came in.
and brittan told us to make out.
and we did.
and it was good.

and he asked me what i was thinking
and i told him hes fun and comfortable
but i dont know him so im unsure
and he agreed
and that was perfect
and i told him that i promised myself i had to open up
and not hide my feelings.
cause it screws me over.
and i play games.
and i dont want to.
cause they screw me over.
and he said he could tell that im a game player.
and we laughed about drunk txting.

and he came over this morning.
and said goodbye.
and that he'll come see me in a few weeks.
before i move to pdx.

oh. and my friends love him.
hes pretty much very enjoyable and kind.

annd he txtd me on my drive home.

things have changed, but are still somewhat ambiguous.
which is fine
i just want to have fun and enjoy summer
and discovering me
and learn new things
and grow grow grow.

i felt really free today.
i like the way free feels.

swings and the supernatural.

peter asked me to go on a walk late last night.
i hoped this wasnt going to be some form of a "dtr."
we hopped the fence to the playground behind our apartment complex.
we climbed, and slided, and swung.  mostly swung.
we talked about being kids. and books. and pretention.
and we walked. and there were weird smells.
and he told me a quote from les mis.
and it was about love.
and we walked up to the historic house/garden/funeral home? across the street from west campus.
and we creeped in the windows and talked about how creepy it was. and there was a statue of a man in the window and there looked like a body in the hammock in the yard. and i couldnt handle it anymore. and we left.
and we talked about the supernatural.
and cat power.
i love cat power.

and we walked to my door.
and we will see each other again tonight.
and i may or may not write about it.

but i just want to say, that ending a night is always awkward.
i hate the hug at the door and they "ok bye, see you."
and i wish i could say that i dont mind awkwardness.
but i do.
and i wish never to experience it again, but i know i will and it is all a part of "trying someone on to see if they fit."
fuck.