Tuesday, November 16, 2010

freshman hottttie

i want to see you.
but i can feel the anxiety
of getting too close
of letting you know i like you
it scares me
its why i look away sometimes.
its why i want to keep it vague
im withholding.

keep fighting for me!
prove yourself and i will allow myself to do the same!

i dont want to lose control.
i refuse to be putty.
im putting myself first.

but know,
i like your vibe.
your chemistry.
our chemistry.
i feel comfortable with you.
i am myself.
i tell you how i feel.
we have passion.
we have substance.

i see great potential in you.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Youre not really my style...

My initial summer fling has ended prematurely.

But has taken flight within a new figure.

Matt is a boy that took interest in my ex-roommate several seasons ago.
He is 26, owns his own clothing company, works at a church, and is quite good looking.
And we had a night filled with flirting, footsy, hugs, and texts.
And now he wants to hang out. in L.A. when i'm in school and settled down.
And he flatters me with his text messages.
And he is conventional and so good on paper. Not my type. But should be my type.

But i've heard he does this with any attractive girl.  He trys to woo them and woo them hard.
I dont want to be one of many.  And I never want to be second choice. or 3rd or 4th.

I'm going to let it play out and see what happens.  He seems like he'd make a good boyfriend. One who'd spoil his girlfriend.

I'm down for that.

Monday, July 26, 2010

IM 21 NOW. les par t.

starting a summer fling and couldnt be more excited.
too bad the end of august lingers in my mind like a bad pop song.
having a time limit. is that a good or bad thing?
is a summer fling worth it?

1. the 25+ year old who still rides a skateboard around town.
2. the guy who says he has an "addictive personality."
3. the guy with 1000+ facebook friends.
4. the guy who can shotgun a 4loko.
5. the guy who complains about homelessness, poverty, and oppression yet drives a new Audi.
6. the guy who doesnt tip.

any others?

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Portland finally starting to heat up.

on Thursday evening, my sister wanted to take muffin to the dog park. 
she happened to be texting rob (small in stature, dark hair, blue eyes, cute tattoos, works at Pita Pit, rides a fixie...) and invited him to meet up with us.
he came.
and we brought wine in a commuter cup. and he brought Hamms.
we played with muffin, talked Pita, and drank.
rob was talking more than normal. he is usually very shy.
he was stoned, and i am assuming had a few drinks before he met up with us.
he told us that he made-out with noel (hott girl from Pita Pit).

we walked back to my sister's place and drank some more.
rob's friend mike came.
rob sat next to me on the couch.
i didn't mind.
soon he was leaning on me.

we watched the mighty boosh.
he talked a lot.
about pita. and muffin. and it was funny. and how hes 25 but only slept with 7 girls. and how he would fuck amanda. and how maidson is "dtf" but he isnt....
he was clearly wasted.and revealing his secrets, drunkenly.
my sister went to bed around midnight leaving me with the boys.

rob tried to tickle me and i told him i wasnt ticklish. sorry.
he kept pulling me towards him and kissed me on the cheek a few times.
i guess i wasnt responding exactly as he had hoped because he said "what, you dont like me??"
and i said "i dont even know you!" and he said "i dont know you either...but i think youre hott..."


he tried the cheek kiss again. then went in for the lips. (all while his friend is just chillin on the other couch)
and i scrunched up my face and did NOT go for it. (sorry rob).
he felt stupid. and i was just like no no its fine.
he gave me a biig hug.
and tried to convince me to stay in portland and transfer to portland state. ha

he came over the next day because he forgot his bag here.
we made simple small talk and he left.

dear rob,
youre cute. but dont talk about fucking or wanting to fuck or even making out with girls on the same occasion that you try to kiss me. and dont try to hook up with me with your friend as an observer.
i hope we can still be friends.

love always,

Sunday, May 9, 2010


i was sitting at my apartment with my roommate krsiten and besties jonathan and noelle.
we wanted to hang out but be low key.
we decided it would be fun to play kings cup!
our friends joosung, clayton and josh came over too.
i decided to invite peter.  he had been dissing me all week.
i felt like.
but i did it anyway. very impulsively.
he was down.
hed never played before.

it was fun.
we chanted "weiners!" "pretty moms/big shlongs" and other inappropriate things.
we danced to nostalgic 90s songs.
we dog piled in my room.
everyone left except peter and i.
i sat up off the ground.
i gave him the eyes.
and he went in for it.
and i liked it.
fun and exciting.
not sloppy at all.
very intentional.

and he left.
and he txtd me.
and i knew he was happy.

he came by the next morning to say hi as i was moving out of my apartment.
i was makeupless and hag. my imperfections openly sprawled across my face.
and i didnt care or look down or try to hide.
and he txted me.

i saw him at a party but i wasnt in the best mood.
i saw him at the next party, and i was in a better mood.

and brittan drunkly told him to dance with me. and he told her he is into me.
and we danced.

we drove home. 7 of us in a 5 person car.
and he came in.
and brittan told us to make out.
and we did.
and it was good.

and he asked me what i was thinking
and i told him hes fun and comfortable
but i dont know him so im unsure
and he agreed
and that was perfect
and i told him that i promised myself i had to open up
and not hide my feelings.
cause it screws me over.
and i play games.
and i dont want to.
cause they screw me over.
and he said he could tell that im a game player.
and we laughed about drunk txting.

and he came over this morning.
and said goodbye.
and that he'll come see me in a few weeks.
before i move to pdx.

oh. and my friends love him.
hes pretty much very enjoyable and kind.

annd he txtd me on my drive home.

things have changed, but are still somewhat ambiguous.
which is fine
i just want to have fun and enjoy summer
and discovering me
and learn new things
and grow grow grow.

i felt really free today.
i like the way free feels.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

swings and the supernatural.

peter asked me to go on a walk late last night.
i hoped this wasnt going to be some form of a "dtr."
we hopped the fence to the playground behind our apartment complex.
we climbed, and slided, and swung.  mostly swung.
we talked about being kids. and books. and pretention.
and we walked. and there were weird smells.
and he told me a quote from les mis.
and it was about love.
and we walked up to the historic house/garden/funeral home? across the street from west campus.
and we creeped in the windows and talked about how creepy it was. and there was a statue of a man in the window and there looked like a body in the hammock in the yard. and i couldnt handle it anymore. and we left.
and we talked about the supernatural.
and cat power.
i love cat power.

and we walked to my door.
and we will see each other again tonight.
and i may or may not write about it.

but i just want to say, that ending a night is always awkward.
i hate the hug at the door and they "ok bye, see you."
and i wish i could say that i dont mind awkwardness.
but i do.
and i wish never to experience it again, but i know i will and it is all a part of "trying someone on to see if they fit."

Sunday, April 25, 2010

oooh peter.

yesterday, peter texted me to ask if i wanted to see a movie sunday night.
i said i could make time.
he knocked on my door around 650 and we jaywalked across the street to the theatre.
i was nervous because i did not know if he was considering this a date (although i dont know when a boy asks a girl to a movie ((alone)) and doesnt consider it a date?) and was going to pay for me.
i let him step towards the ticket booth first.  i heard him ask for two tickets.
i thought i was in the clear.
the ticket seller said "21.50" and he looked in his wallet.
and then looked back at me and said, "do you have a 10?'
luckily i had pulled out a ten from my secret stash just before leaving.
we went in and joked about our 3-d glasses.
all through the movie i couldnt help but wonder...should i have originally offered to pay?  i think i did the right thing by stepping back and if he didnt want to pay he shouldnt have asked for 2 tickets! how awkward!
the movie was great but i couldnt focus.
i decided i dont like dating.
the ambiguity.
the awkwardness.
the unspoken intentions.

we shared a hot chocolate after and talked about jail, stealing, parents, drugs, college, real life...etc.
i enjoyed the talk.
i always do.

we jaywalked back.
he hugged me.
and i struggled to get my key in the door.

i just want ease.
i dont want to have to try hard.
when its easy, ill know its real.

no longer will i play the field.
the field stinks,
both economically
and socially!
and i am giving it up!